I Am Wrath

I’m sitting in a fast food restaurant in Salzburg killing time before I can go get the key to Kathi’s new flat. I should be working on a presentation due in three days but I can’t get myself motivated to do it. In addition, I have a writing exam in two days. I just read through the post in which I revealed that I’m going to write a book. I think I won’t finish a first draft by the end of 2012 because I have so many other things going on, such as writing papers, playing drums, tennis and Skyrim. In addition, I made a new year’s resolution (like they ever work, but I’ll try) to lose some weight and run the half-marathon from Velden to Klagenfurt in August. On top of all that, I wanted to start writing my masters-thesis this year. My head is spinning when I think about all the stuff I want or have to do. But somehow I’ll manage. Stay tuned.

“Don’t hang your head in sorrow” (Guns N’ Roses – Don’t cry)

Cheers, Armin

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I just read my article I wrote for one of our university magazines in an online issue. I wasn’t satisfied with it when I handed it in but reading it in the form that it is going to be printed in I saw some potential. I still don’t like it, but now I know why I don’t like it, what mistakes I made, and what I could have done better. I know it’s too late to change it now and some people reading it might find those mistakes and laugh about my article, but it’s still a pretty good feeling to publish something created in my own head. Although I failed miserably with this first official publication I am encouraged to go on and write new stuff. Deadlines are the best motivating tool!

“The regurgitation of my micro nemesis” (Meshuggah – Bleed)

Cheers, Armin

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I was just about to start a new post with the following sentence, when I was called downstairs: “Do you know that feeling when you have everything going for you but nothing going on?” Five minutes later I was shoveling sh*t, literally. My future mother-in-law has a small farm and we had to help her in the veggie garden, shoveling cow and pig sh*t into it as natural fertilizer and covering everything with dirt. And I thought I had nothing going on. I guess that’s God’s wrath, the universe’s justice, Karma, or whatever higher power you wanna believe in, telling you to shut up and stop b*tchin’.

However, I actually wanted to reveal something but I’m afraid of doing so. On the one hand it would be liberating because it would finally be out there (no I’m not gay). But on the other hand it would mean that it’s real and that I could fail, and then people would say stuff like: “I always knew you couldn’t do it.” I know I could use this (negative) energy and turn it into some kind of catalyst to prove those people wrong, but right now I’m still afraid that they’ll be right. Ah, what the hell. I will write a book.

I’m already working on a story and so far wrote around a thousand words. I know that it’s going to be a longer project but I hope to be finished with a first draft by the end of 2012. From the writing I’ve don so far I found out that I struggle with volume. It’s always been a problem for me to reach a certain word count. Last year, while we were in the U.S. I heard about “National Novel Writing Month”, which is pretty self-explanatory. People start writing on November 1st and hand in their 50.000 word novel by the end of the same month. I was amazed by the idea and I wanted to participate, but with studies, drumming and Tennis I can’t find the time. Besides, I would really struggle to get to fifty thousand in one month. I’d be happy if I get to that word count in a year. Well, maybe it’s time to start putting some more effort into writing. Which is what I’m going to do now. See you later, with an update on progress.

“Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum Prison Cell” (Tool – The Grudge)

Cheers, Armin

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I just found out about the cast for the first “Jack Reacher-film” and I am shocked. They literally cast the last person I would have chosen as the main character, Jack Reacher. Not that I don’t like Tom Cruise, he made some decent movies (in his early career mostly). But he is NOT Jack Reacher. I watched some videos and read some forums about people suggesting different people and actors for the role, and there were tons of better suited candidates than Tom frikkin’ Cruise. Not one of Cruise’s physical attributes matches Reacher’s… he has black hair, weights about 45kg, and is like 1m20cm with a hat, for crying out loud. Jack Reacher’s physical description from the books:  Measurements: 6′5″, 220-250 lbs., 50″ chest; Hair: dirty-blond; Eyes: Ice blue; Clothing: 3XLT coat, 95cm. pants’ inseam. I read all the books twice and I’m one of the biggest Jack Reacher (and Lee Child) fans ever, so I might not be objective; but would you honestly consider casting a wimpy little smiley-face like Tom Cruise to play the role of a person with the description above? The answer is: HELL NO! I read the explanation on Lee Child’s website but I can’t shake the feeling that despite his positive feedback about the cast and the obvious changes to his character, he isn’t completely satisfied either.

Nonetheless, according to Deadline.com the film will be released in February 2013. I will definitely watch it but I already know that it’s not going to be a Jack Reacher movie. The hope remains that another novel will be picked up as a script for a film and shot with a different cast.

“The things that I’ve loved the things that I’ve lost; the things I’ve held sacred that I’ve dropped” (Audioslave – Doesn’t Remind Me)

Cheers, Armin

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If God had something to say to us, He/She would say it Him-/Herself. He/She is omnipotent, right? So, why do people pretend to know that whenever a natural disaster hits earth, it’s God’s wrath because of the sinful way people live “down” here. Yeah, I’m talking about you Michele Bachmann. And then, you say with the same breath, we’re supposed to listen to the “American people”?! As if they already figured it all out. Who are you talking about exactly? Probably the millions of white trailer-trash Southerners who, every few years, manage to lay down their firearms, drive their dirty, fuel wasting, union-jack-painted pick-up trucks to a polling station, and put a crooked, yet god-fearing, cross into a circle next to a word they can’t read or pronounce but know starts with “R”. Some even just search for the elephant.

I could go on, but I think you’re a lost cause. And since apparently you understand God’s will and can hear Him/Her, I hope, if there is one, God will tell you to STFU.

“Some say the end is near. Some say we’ll see armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will.” (Tool - Ænima)

Cheers, Armin

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Tonight I had the worst nightmare in my life. I don’t want to say what it was I can only say that it wasn’t some kind of narrative but rather a sequence of different interrelated pictures or situations. The dreams I usually have are somehow about things I experienced in real life or at least incorporate places and people I know. These horrifying images I dreamt last night however were nothing like anything I have ever seen anywhere. Not even TV. Especially not TV because they would never show stuff like that. The second very unusual thing about my nightmare was that I wasn’t even in it actively. It felt like I was watching the scenes from a distance, not being present, an observer isolated from the action. Which really was the only positive thing I can take away from that dream. The fact that my mind is able to create images like that out of thin air is alarming to me. I have a hard time falling asleep after watching violent images on TV because my mind goes into overdrive and sets me into a state of anxiety. Whenever that happens I try with all my power of will to think of something different and block out the upsetting images. The nightmare, however, was even worse because I could not escape from it.

I just had to get this off my chest and writing it down is one of the best ways for me to literally get it out of my head.

On a totally different notice: How good is the new Incubus album, “If Not Now, When?” ? I have to admit I was a little disappointed after the first time I listened through it that there were no “hard” titles (meaning songs like “A Certain Shade Of Green” from “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.”, “Privilege” from “Make Yourself” or “Megalomaniac” from “A Crow Left Of The Murder”) on it, but every successive listening just blew me away. I think this is an album that grows in strength and intensity with every listening cycle without the need of hard titles. You can really hear the maturity of the band in every song. And Brandon Boyd’s lyrics are wonderful and poetic, critical and funny, in one word outstanding. This may sound trite but I don’t have more to say than: It’s just good music! Mind the exclamation mark and get this wonderful record.

“It was the longest night of my life” (Incubus – In The Company Of Wolves)

Cheers, Armin

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… is reading this anyway?

“Our hope’s gone up in smoke” (Foo Fighters – Rope)

Cheers, Armin

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“Next week I turn 28… I’m still young” (Alice In Chains – Frogs). Always a few days before my birthday I start wandering about my live so far and what might change when I turn yet another year older. The answer to the second part is always the same and I know that even before the day arrives: Nothing. The wandering most often leads to a resigned shrug and the indifferent though: “We’ll see”. Nonetheless, there’s always a bitter after taste that keeps doubting the honesty of my indifference. I’m not nihilistic. So, am I lying to myself every year (and on special occasions in between birthdays, like new years)? I guess so. But, when I really think about it all, it’s just a protective mechanism to not fall into mind destructing depressions. Must be my optimistic nature. And here I’m at the core: No matter how complicated, or impossible a situation seems, sooner or later (in my case rather later) I’ll overcome my obstacles. It might take me longer than others to do what “I’m supposed to do”, or better, what I have to do to get by, but in the end it’ll turn out all right.

“Excuses turn to carbon walls” (Pearl Jam – Insignificance)

Cheers, Armin

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I just heard from my mom that my grandfather died today. I somehow knew deep down that he will not make it until I am back in Austria. Now that this foreboding, dark feeling has become a reality I don’t know what to say or do. I have no idea of how I should act or react. Even though we didn’t talk very often – both men of sparse words I presume – I always felt a special bond between us that I don’t share with many others. I guess I just “got” him. I love him dearly and hope that he finds peace wherever he has left to.

“I’ll miss him. We’ll miss him. We’re gonna miss him” (Tool – Eulogy)

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A few days ago I ordered the book from my poetry teacher here in Washburn and it arrived today. A couple of minutes ago I opened the package and leafed through the book, reading some of the poems inside. That’s the first time that I opened a book of poetry and was fascinated by it after five minutes. For all of you who don’t like poetry because you think it’s too artsy-fartsy, over the top, pretentious, or boring, grab “Potscrubber Lullabies” by Eric McHenry and enjoy this art form from a different perspective. I haven’t even read all of it and already feel that this is going to be one of the best books I will have read. And let me asure you it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a student of the author. The ingenious title of one of the poems should be explanation enough: “My Solipsism Is Superior to Yours”.

My favorite from the one’s I’ve read so far: “Because You Asked About the Line Between Prose and Poetry”

-

I’ve seen the local news: it’s prose.

I prefer to look at the big picture

window – not because it shows

events exactly as they happen,

but because of the two recurring crows.

-

There’s tragic laughter in the way they fly.

Some flaw in their understructure

compensates the most emphatic flapping

with very little loft. One barely goes

over and the other just gets by.

- Eric McHenry

Cheers, Armin

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